FnnyMonsterJokes

Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother. Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?” The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?” Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.” The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?” Cinderella looked down...

On his way to the protest site he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bast.. of the asphalt, you got something to eat?” With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bast of the asphalt, you got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the protest site before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to...

A Polish man had married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada for a year or so and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange for a divorce for him….”very quick!!!” The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked these questions: Lawyer; “Have you any grounds?!” Polish man; “An acre and a half and a nice 3 bedroom house!!” Lawyer; “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?!” Polish man; “It is made of concrete, bricks and mortar!!” Lawyer; “Does either of you have a real grudge?!” Polish man; “No, we have a carport don’t need a grudge!!” Lawyer; “I mean, what are your relations like?!” Polish man; “All my relations live in Poland!!” Lawyer; “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?!” Polish man; “Yes we have hi-fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 surround sound!!” Lawyer; “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?...

Sometimes how a person acts reveals a lot about their profession. This is a hilarious example of exactly that. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must be in IT”, says the balloonist. “I am,” replies the man, “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.” The man below says, “you must be a manager”. “I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.” The three wishes by the Fairy mother Two old men Abe and Sol

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. “Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.” “Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed “You left with seven!” A Polish man had married a Canadian girl A Irishman was terribly overweight

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. His co-worker said he should reconsider Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.” The first asked “What did you do there?” To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.” Little Willie came home in a sad Susan spoke to the insurance agent

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.” There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.” A man was telling his co-worker Are you still going to that memory clinic

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents. Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?” Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.” “What do they do there?”, asks Fred. “They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold. Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?” Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember. He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?” Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.” Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to? Susan spoke to the insurance agent A guard dog

The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, “This is for you, Daddy.“ He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He yelled at her, “Don’t you know that when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside it?” The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Daddy, it is not empty I blew kisses into the box all for you, Daddy.” The father was crushed he put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness. It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. I...

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old...

Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street. “Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favour: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.” The robber obliged he threw Moishe’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it. “Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of holes through my coat.” So the robber shot a number of holes through the carpenter’s coat “And now?” “Sorry,” interrupted the robber “No more holes I’m out of bullets.” “That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe “Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!” The robber threw down the money and ran. Once upon a time an old man A certain Rabbi

A certain Rabbi was adored by the community; everyone was enchanted by what he said. Except for Isaac, who never missed an opportunity to contradict the Rabbi’s interpretations and point out faults in his teachings. The others were annoyed by Isaac, but could do nothing about it. One day, Isaac died. During the funeral, the community noticed that the Rabbi was deeply upset. Why are you so sad? someone commented. He was always criticizing everything you said! I am not upset for my friend who is now in heaven replied the Rabbi I am upset for my own self While everyone revered me, he challenged me, and I was obliged to improve. Now he has gone, I am afraid I shall stop growing. A armed robber They all arrive at the Pearly Gates

It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. “Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla...

“‌‌I can’‌‌t spea‌‌k t‌‌o m‌‌y wif‌‌e directl‌‌y a‌‌s sh‌‌e migh‌‌t fin‌‌d i‌‌t offensive‌‌, give‌‌n ou‌‌r ol‌‌d age‌‌” h‌‌e say‌‌s t‌‌o th‌‌e doc. “There’‌‌s ‌‌a simpl‌‌e tric‌‌k yo‌‌u ca‌‌n tr‌‌y t‌‌o determin‌‌e he‌‌r hearing,‌‌” explain‌‌s th‌‌e doctor‌‌ “Simpl‌‌y as‌‌k he‌‌r ‌‌a questio‌‌n a‌‌t ‌‌a distanc‌‌e an‌‌d i‌‌f sh‌‌e doesn’‌‌t hea‌‌r you‌‌, mov‌‌e slightl‌‌y close‌‌r an‌‌d as‌‌k agai‌‌n unti‌‌l sh‌‌e does”. Tha‌‌t night‌‌, th‌‌e husban‌‌d arrive‌‌s hom‌‌e an‌‌d see‌‌s hi‌‌s wif‌‌e i‌‌n th‌‌e kitche‌‌n cooking‌‌ he think‌‌s t‌‌o himself‌‌, “Wha‌‌t ‌‌a perfec‌‌t opportunit‌‌y t‌‌o tes‌‌t he‌‌r hearing”. H‌‌e stand‌‌s i‌‌n th‌‌e doorwa‌‌y o‌‌f th‌‌e kitche‌‌n an‌‌d promptl‌‌y asks“What’‌‌s fo‌‌r dinne‌‌r honey? N‌‌o answer‌‌ H‌‌e move‌‌s closer. “What’‌‌s fo‌‌r dinne‌‌r honey?” Stil‌‌l n‌‌o answer‌‌ H‌‌e move‌‌s eve‌‌n closer. “What’‌‌s fo‌‌r dinne‌‌r honey?” Stil‌‌l hi‌‌s wif‌‌e doesn’‌‌t answer‌‌ H‌‌e no‌‌w see‌‌s ho‌‌w seriou‌‌s he‌‌r hearin‌‌g proble‌‌m is‌‌ at thi‌‌s po...

A farmer from the cotton fields of Central Texas dies and goes to hell Why? Well, only his wife, God and the Devil knows! Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the rest there are he checks his gauges and sees that it’s 95 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes to the farmer and asks why he’s so happy. The farmer replies “I like it here It’s just like plowing my fields in June.” Unhappy with the farmer’s response, the devil goes back to his controls and turns the temperature up to 105 degrees and 90% humidity. After making the adjustment, the devil goes looking for the farmer finding him just as happy as can be, the Devil is very frustrated and asks the farmer again why he’s so happy. “This is even beter now! It’s like pulling weeds in the fields during July!” says the farmer. The Devil, now quite upset and deciding to make the farmer really suffer, returns to his controls and cranks the heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100% “Now we’ll see if...

“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.” The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land No questions asked or answered given have I made myself clear? Do you understand?” The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull with every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,… “Your badge!…” “Show him your badge!” Father was a hardworking man A rather old fashioned lady

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom closet” but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C. “Does the camping ground have its own B.C.” is what she wrote. Well, the camping ground owner was not old fashioned, and he just couldn’t figure out what the old lady was talking about. So he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C stood for Baptist Chur...

A mobile phone on a bench rings, and a man puts the phone on speaker and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man: “Hello?” Woman: “Honey, its me. Are you at the club?” Man: “Yes.” Woman: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only 1200 dollars right now, down from 1900 Is it okay if I buy it?” Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” Woman: “Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one that I really, really liked.” Man: “How much?” Woman: “80.000.” Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras.” Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house that we looked at last year is back on the market. They’re asking 1,500,000.” Man: “Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than 1,250,000.” Woman: “Wow, great! I’ll see you later! I love you!” Man: “Love you too, bye!” The man hangs up. The other men in the...

A woman goes to her doctor for her annual check up. The nurse starts with certain basic items. ‘How much do you weigh?’ she asks ‘Eight and a half stone,’ the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scales and tells; her weight is actually ten stone The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ ‘5 foot 8 !!!’, she says. The nurse checks and says that she only measures 5′ 2′. She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high. ‘Of course it’s HIGH !!!’ the woman screams, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender… Now I’m short and fat !!!’ A elderly Irish farmer He awoke before the Pearly Gates

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.” The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!” Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the...

Two roosters fought for supremacy in the farmyard. Finally one was vanquished and he went and hid himself in a corner of the hen-house. The victor flew up to the roof of the barn and begin to crow, “I’ve won, I’ve won!” An eagle swooped down and carried him away and the rooster that had been defeated suddenly found himself unchallenged master of the farmyard. Moral Of The Story: The enemy is often defeated by his own pride. A guy driving a Yugo The cruise ship was sinking

One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems. I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…” The others nodded in agreement Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?” The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…” The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest. The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer! There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!” The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest. The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin. After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay th...

A couple went for a cruise tour to enjoy their private honeymoon while leaving their children at home Unfortunately, the cruise ship was sinking due to catastrophic weather condition. The couple finally made their way to the lifeboat area but there was only space for one person left The man jumped onto the lifeboat, leaving his wife on the sinking ship… The wife stood on the sinking ship and shouted to her husband saying… The teacher paused the above story and asked her students in the classroom, “Let us guess What do you think she shouted to her husband?” Most students answered altogether: “I hate you! I was blinded by love!” The teacher noticed that there was a student who sat quietly and asked him The student answered, “Teacher, I believe she would have shouted – Take care of our children!” The teacher was shocked and asked: “Have you heard this story before?” The student shook his head and said, “Nope, but before my mother passed away to disease, she told my father the exact same w...

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…” Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately ...

Please be advised that all members planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submi...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be £6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man “Same for me,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be £12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact chan...

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.” The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?” Man And Ostrich The rule of a king

Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes. Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places. He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people. People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king They were proud that their king had a kind heart. After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace. He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life. However, he had one regret He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance. He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony. He could not tolerate the pain He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it w...

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m. I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right. By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed. I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!” “And just where have you been?” she replied sharply “It’s after seven o’clock!” Divorce Agreement A Old Man And Woman