FnnyMonsterJokes

"A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having fun. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big di*do on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, ass**le, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kidss"

"A man is in a hotel lobby He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite starled. The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me”. She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, im in room 436"

"Three old women die and go to heaven. When they reach the gates of heaven St. Peter tells them that they have to answer a question to enter. Then he asks them which one wants to go first. The oldest of the three say I will go first and set an example for the other two. So St Peter asks her “Who was the first man on Earth?” She says “that’s easy, Adam was the first man on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring, and the Gates of Heaven open wide and the nun enters.” Well, the second women step up and say, “I guess I will go next.” St Peter asks her “Who was the first woman on Earth?” She answers that’s easy, Eve was the first woman on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring and the gates of heaven open up and that nun enters. The last old women step up and say, ” I guess it is my turn now.” St Peter then asks her “What were the first words Eve said to Adam?” The old women think and think and she can’t come up with what Eve said to Adam first. So she looks at St Peter and s...

"Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.” Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine.= I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.” Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.” They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys...

"Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased. In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.” He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, “Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”"

"Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.” Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your needs, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?” Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.” That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: “Dad, now I think ...

"A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. “One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.” “What do you mean by that?” asked one inquisitive visitor. “When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.” “On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?” The farmer flashed a smile and answered, “That means half of them are wrong.”"