FnnyMonsterJokes

"A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having fun. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big di*do on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, ass**le, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kidss"

"A man is in a hotel lobby He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite starled. The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me”. She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, im in room 436"

"Three old women die and go to heaven. When they reach the gates of heaven St. Peter tells them that they have to answer a question to enter. Then he asks them which one wants to go first. The oldest of the three say I will go first and set an example for the other two. So St Peter asks her “Who was the first man on Earth?” She says “that’s easy, Adam was the first man on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring, and the Gates of Heaven open wide and the nun enters.” Well, the second women step up and say, “I guess I will go next.” St Peter asks her “Who was the first woman on Earth?” She answers that’s easy, Eve was the first woman on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring and the gates of heaven open up and that nun enters. The last old women step up and say, ” I guess it is my turn now.” St Peter then asks her “What were the first words Eve said to Adam?” The old women think and think and she can’t come up with what Eve said to Adam first. So she looks at St Peter and s...

"Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I ain’t givin’ him any of mine.” Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine.= I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.” Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.” They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys...

"Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased. In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.” He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, “Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”"

"Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.” Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your needs, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?” Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.” That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: “Dad, now I think ...

"A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. “One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.” “What do you mean by that?” asked one inquisitive visitor. “When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.” “On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?” The farmer flashed a smile and answered, “That means half of them are wrong.”"

"A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, “I want to open a f*cking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.” The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that a woman does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window & the manager asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” There is no f*cking problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery & I want to put my f*cking money in this damn bank.” “Oh…I see,” says the manager, “And is this b!tch giving you a hard time sir…?”"

"An old couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. “Monday’s the best night when my husband goes out to darts,” she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said: “Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.” So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: “Do you shave?” “No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?” “Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pul...

"An old man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza… CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut? GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number, sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? Do you know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three kinds of cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have. GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How do you know that? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I...

"An elderly man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’ sign in a window. He went up to the owner & said, “I-I-I w-w-wanna-t the j-joooob-b.” “I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,” said the owner. “I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife & s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man. “O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out & sell them.” said the owner. So the man went out & came back an hour later. “H-here-sss your m-m-money.” said the elderly man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles & sent him out. The man came back in two hours & said, “Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money.” The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?” “W-welllll,” said the old man, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say ‘H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to ...

"I was on a very crowded bus and an old woman with a walker gets on. All the other passengers proceed to file on and take up the remaining standing places but she stands close to me, staring me in the eyes. After 5 minutes of this, I kindly ask, ‘may I help you?’ She replies, “yes, I have been waiting here for 5 minutes now and you have not offered to give me your seat “ Can you give me a good reason why I should?” I can give you 5. I am an old woman of 86, I have near paralysis in my left leg, a hip that has been replaced twice, my husband died 3 days ago and every second I stand up is pure agony. Can you give me as many reasons why you deserve the seat more?” Sadly, only one. I’m the freakin’ driver.”"

"Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, “I have one of these and you don’t.” The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, “I have one of these and you don’t.” But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. “How come you’re not crying today,” asks Little Johnny. “My mother told me,” says the little girl, pulling up her dress, “that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want.”"

"An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. ‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers. Paddy had never been with a hooker before but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes. They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer. Allo, Allo, Allo, What’s going on ‘ere, people? asks the cop. ‘Ta be shure, Oi’m making love to me missus,’ Paddy answers, sounding annoyed. ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know.’ ‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’"

"A little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar backwards. The little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’ The little Johnny replied, ‘My Daddy is also a father, but he doesn’t wear his collar like that’ The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.’ The Little boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’ The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds, and went back to reading his book. The little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a c0ndom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”"

"Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. After finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, They realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”"

"An old Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked….except for his boots. “Where your clothes at, Slim?”, ask the one man Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’ So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’” Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am."

"An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. “Hello, toes.”, he said. “How are you? You know, you are92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!” “Hello, knees.”, he continued. “How are you? You know you’re 92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.” Then, he looked down at his cr0tch. “Hello, W!llie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you’d be 92!!."

"A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When an old woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, “Let’s see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they’re fourteen.” “Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins every time?” The woman answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’.”"

"Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”"

"A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a “sniffing dog”. “His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.” The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: “Watch this.” He tells Sniffer to “search”. Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says: “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.” “Say, that’s pretty neat...

"A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says: “I’ll be darned.” A local pastor heard him and said: You should not say that. Next time your wheel falls off say: ‘Praise the Lord.’” So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says: “Praise the Lord.” The wheel stops rolling, turns around, roIIs back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon. The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims: “I’ll be darned!”"

"Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.” So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.” Earl says, “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?” Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it-where did you get that dog’? There really are only two ducks out there!” Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.” So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it’s mouth and starts humping Earl’s leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the ...

"An elderly man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: ‘WW’, ‘WA’, ‘PP’ and ‘ATR’. Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought “Wow, these gals really have it nice.” So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. “Aha,” he thought, “no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services.” So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom li...

"An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking old drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the old drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.” Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?” The old drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.” The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.” So the old drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?” The old drunk man replied, “Out of my nose!”"

"A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, “Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal”. That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he asks again, “Are you sure these plates are clean”? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, “I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t ask me about it anymore!” Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass so he ...

"A young lad was tired of the farm life; so off he went and joined the Navy. His first cruise took him to the south pacific, whereupon stopping at some island he found himself a parrot, He took it back to the ship with him, and kept it aboard ship. After 20+ years he retired from the Navy, so of him and his parrot went. Back to farmland. He decided he should get himself a chicken farm and sell young chickens and eggs. This he did, lo and behold the first morning at 6 o’clock, the parrot commenced yelling, “six bells hit the deck”, “six bells hit the deck” Well the old sailor was quite angry, and told the parrot I can’t have any of this, I’ am retired and don’t have to get up that early any more, So from now on you sleep out with the chickens. The next morning at 6 o’clock he woke up hearing this big noise coming from the chicken house, He goes out there, looks in the window and sees the parrot holding a red chicken around the neck with one wing and slapping him from left to right ...

"An elderly woman from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, ” What took you so long?” and he replied “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”"

"A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, “Nothing but the best for my little kitten.” The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.” The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The c...

"Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better and to help with their spelling. She explained: “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.” The first student raised her hand to volunteer. Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.” Marcy replied: “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.” The teacher said: “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?” Kevin stood up and announced: “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.” “Very good,” the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said: My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…” Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and think about it for ...

"A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having s*x in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn’t move. He finally brought the truck’ to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed: “What the hell’s the matter with you two?. Didn’t you hear me? You could have been killed!” The man replied nonchalantly: “Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”"

"A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: “As a vet – I don’t need to ask my patients all kinds of annoying questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?” The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put to sleep.”"

"An Old man entered the car agency together with his young wife. The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of course, the old man noticed. “May I propose a wager,” he said. “If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you to double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!” “OK, agreed!” The old man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her bre@sts. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in half. “What color car do you want?” asked the agency owner."

"An elderly man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test: “Here is your first question.” The foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine?” “Without numbers?” The old man says. “That’s easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” The boss asks. “Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.” Says the old man. “Fair enough.” Says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99?” The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back. The boss scratches his head and says. “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s a dirty tree plus a dirty tree plus a dirty tree. That makes 99.” “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100?” The old man stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a li...

"The butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”"

"The nurse asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor. – “In front of you?” He asks, shy. The nurse says: – “Well no, but I’ve seen the human body before. The man said, – “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my body.” – “Of course, I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.” – “Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private part, she composed herself as well as she could. – “I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise ...

"A blonde walks into a store to buy a new Television She looks around for a while and finds the perfect TV for herself She approaches the salesman and says “I would like to buy this TV.” The salesman says “sorry, we cannot sell you this in good faith, I don’t think you know what you’re looking for.” Upset, the blonde storms out and thinks to herself “He won’t sell me the TV because I’m a woman and he thinks I need a man to choose for me, I’ll show him.” She goes and buys a disguise with a short haired wig and fake mustache then later returns to the store dressed as a man. She looks around and finds her TV again and walks it over to the counter. In her best male voice she says “Good evening sir, I would like the purchase this TV.” The salesman sees right through her disguise and says “aren’t you the blonde woman from earlier? I told you I will not sell you this.” The blonde gets upset and storms out once more thinking to herself “So he won’t sell me the TV because I’m blonde, figur...

"They want to try BDSM for the first time. So one afternoon, the husband comes home from work, heads upstairs to the bedroom to change, and finds his wife spread out on the bed decked out in bondage gear and lingerie. Without skipping a beat the husband gets undressed and leans down and asks her in a very seductive tone of voice in her ear, “What do you want me to do for you, my queen?” The wife exclaims, “I WANT YOU TO TORTURE ME! YES! I WANT IT TO HURT SO MUCH! YES! YES! PLEASE, PLEASE TORTURE ME!!!’ The husband looks at her and says “Sure thing. I’ll be right back!” He hurriedly walks out of the bedroom into another room down the hall. Several minutes go by and the wife soon becomes perplexed to his whereabouts. She gets up out of the bed, pokes her head out of the bedroom door, and asks, “Honey, wha… well, what the hell are you doing?” She then sees her husband emerge from that room walking very fast towards her. He races back to the bedroom, grabs her by both arms, kisses her...

"It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed: Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, sister.” Said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been Saved.” “Saved? And how did that come about?” Asked the old nun. “Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.” “Did he?” Said the old nun curiously. Sister Magdalene continued. “And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.” “Is ...

"A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ‘Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, ‘Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston’. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’ ‘Lecturer,’ she responded. ‘ I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality. ‘ Really?’ he said. ‘And what kind of myths are there? ‘Well, she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, w...

"A man ordered a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes. One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired. The man agreed and said to the car, “Car! Go and bring my children from school.” The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and with no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children. The car parked right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.” In the car, were their Landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’ two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son and their neighbour’s two sons. The wife who was angry shouted at her husband...

"Two old Italian men are sitting on a bench arguing about who is the most desirable woman in the world. The first says, “For me, it must be the greatest Italian actress, Sophia Loren. Every man who ever saw her movies fantasized about her.” The second man replies, “That’s what I used to think, but now it must be this woman from the United States, Virginia Pipalini.” “Who is that!? I’ve never heard of her!” “Me neither, but there’s an article here in the newspaper that says she had s*x with 5,000 men in just one year. So she must be amazing.” The first man grabs the newspaper and reads the headline: VIRGINIA PIPELINE LAID BY 5,000 MEN IN 12 MONTHS"

"Two dogs in a vets waiting room. 1st dog is old, grey around the muzzle has a bad limp and smells bad. 2nd dog, much younger, says to the old dog, ” Why are you here today ” Old dog replies, ”I am going to be put to sleep, i’m in very bad health, and my time has come” Young dog says he’s sorry to hear that. Old dog then asks the younger dog ” Why are you here today ” Young dog says ” Well the other day my mistress here was running a bath, she was bending over the bath swishing the water about and she was naked, as you can see she is a tasty bit of stuff, and I have fancied her for quite a while. Any way I couldn’t contain myself any longer and mounted her and gave her a good seeing to. My God says the old dog, so are you being put to sleep as well. ”No says the young dog, I going to have my nails clipped.”"

"Little Johnny had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.” The Little Johnny thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.” The Little Johnny said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” (You’re going to love Dad’s reply!) “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?"

"A Man Rushes Into A Bar And Says, “Quick! Give me a pint of lager!” No sooner does he finish that drink, he orders a whisky and slams it down. As fast as the bartender is pouring the drinks, the man is knocking them back, one after the other. The bartender says, “Are you okay buddy? What’s brought this on?” The man replies, “Man, I should NOT be drinking all this with what I’ve got.” “Holy smokes,” replies the bartender, “what have you got?!” The man replies, “About five bucks.”"

"Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.” The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He jingled them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter nodded, “You may pass through the pearly gates.” The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of skimpy panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what exactly do those symbolise?” The man grinned, “These are Carols.”"

"A wife from Montana had an appointment with her doctor to ask for advice on how to treat her husband’s lack of sex drive. “Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked. “Not a chance,” the lady replied, “He doesn’t even take aspirin.” “Not a problem,” the doctor replied, “Just give him some Montana Viagra.” “What’s Montana Viagra?” “It’s simple. You discretely put the Viagra into his coffee when he’s not looking. He won’t be able to taste it.” “Try it out and get back to me in a week and tell me about the results.” A week later, the lady called the doctor. “Oh my lord!” she wailed, “Terrible! Just terrible.” “Really? What happened?” the doctor replied. “I did as you told me, I put the pill into the coffee, and the effect was immediate.” “He flew up from the chair, and his eyes were positively smoldering.” “With a quick motion he swept all the cups and the tablecloth from the table, ripped my clothes off and took me then and there on the table.” “It was a nightmare I tell you, a night...

"A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried. He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn’t want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says “Rub your belly once a day every day and say ‘Be polite, be polite.’ “ So she starts doing so. But as the pregnancy goes on, her husband’s attitude gets worse. Instead of supporting her he gets more angry, more often, being super rude ask the time and really stressing her out. She starts to rub her belly more and more often. Instead of once a day it becomes two times, three times, ten times, a hundred, till she is almost constantly rubbing and reciting “be polite, be polite, be polite.” The due date arrives, no sign of the birth. A few days pass, not a contraction to be felt. Weeks turn into months, months turn into years, no baby is born. Eventually she dies at the ripe old age of 92. The medical examiner conducting her autopsy ...

"A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. “I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said. The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!” The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”"

"A woman goes into a tackle shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A cashier is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.” She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.” “It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.” She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes t...

"A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other i...

"A Kansas farmwife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on a few occasions, When it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p!ssing and moanin...

"A guy comes home completely drunk after visiting the Golden Saloon A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the heck have you been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” the bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do,” he replies. “Do you have golden floors?” the wife asks. “Most certainly do,” he assures her. “What about golden urinals?” she queried skeptically. There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,… “Hey, Duke, I think I got...

"A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better!” “I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.” “What do you think about that, doc?” The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.” “One day he was setting off to go hunting, but being a bit absent minded, he accidentally forgot to take his ammunition.” “As he neared a lake, he came across a very nice beaver frolicking at the water’s edge.” “By now, he realized he had left his ammo at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.” “Nonetheless, he lifted his favorite hunting rifle, aimed down the sites, and yelled ‘bang bang’.” “Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver was slain.” “Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor. Theelder man s...

"They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was… ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”"

"A little boy hears the word wh****rehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies: “Well, uh… you go there to… have a good time.” The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he`s too young. Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to “Suzie`s” to “have a good time”, not knowing the little boy is following them. After his father leaves, the little boy enters there and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time. She`s a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave. Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he`s been. “IN A WH*****REHOUSE!” he screams proudly. “WHAT? Well… uh… how was it?” “I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last.”"

"A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a few weeks of each other. But Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. So she made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoons with a few words on how marital procreation felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but ‘Maxwell House.’ Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House coffee jar. It said: ‘Good ’til the last drop.’ Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent her postcard from California a week after the wedding, and the card read: ‘Benson & Hedges.’ Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: ‘Extra Long King Size.’ She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week – nothing arrived. Anot...

"The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens the door seeing the cat asleep on the couch, gives him a tremendous kick. The cat “screams” a loud meow and runs out the door. The wife comes in the living room and asks what happened and he angrily replied: “This cat seems crazy, I was walking in and, just like that, he jumped on me and scratched me in the chest.” “Look at that hell of a scratch!” The woman replied: You did very well, today this fool has bitten my a***s and gave me one hell of a hickey on my neck."

"All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…… “I should be in charge,” said the brain , “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” “I should be in charge,” said the blood , “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d waste away.” “I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.” “I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.” “I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.” “I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because Im responsible for waste removal.” All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral...

"A young woman goes to her boyfriend’s parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. This is to be her first time meeting his family, and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine Thanksgiving meal. The young lass is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the beans. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit, and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed… Her boyfriend’s father looked over at the family dog that had been snoozing at the young woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Charlie!” The young woman thought to herself, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer one squeal. The father again looked at the dog and growled,...

"A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, “What are you doing in there?” She says, “I’m washing my clothes.” The man asks, “Why don’t you use a washing machine?” The blonde says, “I tried that, but it was too dizzy.”"

"A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘tool.’ Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!"

"A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said, “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s weapon.” The blonde took another shot and bared the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said, “That was excellent!! Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.”"

"Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. “This picture looks like someone I know” she says. The other one has a look and says, “Of course dummy, it’s ME.”"

"Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .” Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .” The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .” The blonde shouts, “fire!!”"

"A man walks in his room after work and is surprised to find his wife lying undressed on the bed. After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a undressed man standing there. ‘Who the hell are you?’ he yells. The undressed guy replies ‘I’m the moth inspector’ ‘Oh yeah! what are you doing undressed?’ He looks down and exclaims ‘Oh my god! I’m too late!’"

"An old lady is turning 100. She is in great health for her age and regularly walks to the market, post office and the bank with no problems. Since she is living in a small town it is a big deal for the town. On her birthday she is visited by the mayor who presents her with a badge honoring her as the oldest person in the town. There is also the local TV station doing a report for the evening news about her. The reporter asks her: What is your secret for a long and healthy life? It’s simple, she says never have I in my entire life argued with another person. That is impossible! the reporter says. You’re right. says the old lady."